7th October, 1998 – 6.35 PM
As he often did on school days, Johnny sat at his small desk strategically placed at a safe corner of Mummy’s kitchen, doing his homework as Mummy prepared supper. He had been ridiculed the other day by the boys at the playground when he described this daily ritual to them. He didn’t care that only girls were supposed to watch their mothers cook. There was something very interesting about the way Mummy went about her business without any apparent strain (at the same time asking him math questions at random) and still ended up with fantastic meals.
“What’s two plus sixteen?” she would ask in a by-the-way manner.
And barely a second later Johnny would answer: “Eighteen!”
“Divided by three?”
“Six!”
“Times four?”
“Twenty-four!”
“Times five?”
“One twenty!”
“Divided by six?”
“Twenty!”
Three or four questions later, Mummy would smile and call him her little computer who would be a professor one day. Few things made Johnny feel that good. The evening quiz was the main reason he read two classes ahead of his mates. He dreaded the day Mummy would ask a question he could not solve.
This was no ordinary school day, though. A few days ago, some very angry people on television had said Daddy and all other teachers will not go to school until someone gives them back the money stolen from them. Children were not allowed to go to school as well. The only thing Johnny missed about school was playing bano with his friends – he had a huge ball bearing which he used to break his friends’ glass marbles after promptly shouting the sacred warning – BREAKINGS NO PAYINGS.
Daddy walked into the kitchen, looking irritated as usual. He leaned over Mummy’s shoulders as she prepared the sukuma wiki for cutting.
“Hey, why are you leaving out the stalks?! Please make sure you chop most of the stalk like I’d told you yesterday. Some of us need the roughage for digestion.”
With that, he retreated back into his bedroom, shaking his head apparently surprised that someone had to be reminded of something that simple twice.
Johnny chuckled softly. Daddy was a hard man to please and that meant he was always angry about something or other – the maid using the tap irresponsibly when washing dishes or clothes, somebody sleeping with the lights on, someone not finishing the food on his or her plate etc etc. Of late, Johnny’s sister Purity - back from boarding school because of what those people said on TV -was a chief contributor to the things that made him mad. She was always bringing her friends over and using the TV and radio at the same time! Johnny often found Daddy’s complaints more of an amusement than anything else, and many times he wished the people who laughed in shows like Friends and Married With Children would pay them a visit so that his laughter would be lost in theirs. He was determined to find a way of sending them a letter of invitation. For the mean time, he would have to make do with laughing inwardly.
***
8.30 PM
They were at the dinner table having ugali and fish with veggies on the side. Daddy was hurrying up, not wanting to miss even a minute of the nine o’clock news. He had served himself an extra helping of sukuma which Johnny found odd. Daddy often said veggies were for children and rabbits. His new-found love for the kale did not go unnoticed. Purity was also hurrying up. She did not want to miss the final minutes of the soap opera showing just before nine. Daddy was watching her with the corner of his eye.
“Purity…”
“Hmm?” Purity responded without diverting her attention from her food.
“It’s rude to look away when addressing people… older people, you know.”
Purity heaved a sigh and let her fork land on her plate with a heavy clang and looked up towards Daddy.
“Yes Dad?”
“Now, I have no problem with you bringing your friends over, but if you want make unnecessary noise and practice that crazy ndombolo dance GO TO THE STADIUM!!! I can’t have such behaviour in my sitting room.”
Johnny suddenly burst out laughing uncontrollably, a morsel of food still in his mouth. He went on and on as the rest looked at him with surprise on their face wondering what was so funny. Johnny had remembered seeing Daddy peeking through the key hole of the sitting room when Purity’s friend had come over earlier that afternoon. He was on one knee, his spectacles on one hand and shaking head every few seconds. After Daddy’s rant and that image in Johnny’s head, the boy could not hold in his laughter any more. He just had to let it all out. The fish bone in his mouth soon found its way to his throat and just like the laughter, the urgent choking gurgling sound came abruptly too. The look in his eyes transformed from playful amusement to absolute terror.
Mummy was by his side before he knew it and had him stomach-down on her lap thumping away at his back like a drummer doing an impressive solo. Purity was kneeling down holding his head, screaming something Johnny could not quite hear. Daddy paced up, down and all over occasionally leaning over to inspect the progress of the first aid. The laughter started coming back, starting first at his ribs and lungs, receiving a gulp of air in then out. It made its way up his throat and voice box but all he could manage was an odd sound somewhere between choking and laughter.
***
9.20 PM
Johnny had somehow swallowed the bone but Daddy was taking no chances. He had taken Johnny for a quick check-up at the neighbour’s, Dr. Panesar – a registered trainee doctor. Daddy often took anyone in the house who was sick to see Dr. Panesar first because going to the hospital was “unnecessarily expensive to go to for just malaria”. Besides, Daddy was always giving Panesar’s daughter good grades at school despite being a poor student so he was always owed one.
After being taken through the motions of determining if he was really going to live, Johnny lay on a sofa in Panesar’s living room. He pretended to be concentrating on the news on TV but was really listening in on the conversation between Daddy and the doctor.
“So Doc, I’ve been taking lots of fibre in my diet as you advised. What could still be possibly wrong with me?”
“Constipation is a very complex creature, Mr. Mambo. It requires a delicate balance. In as much as fibre is good, you should take care to avoid diarrhea as well. That is also bad for you as it irritates the piles.”
“Oh really? I’ve been having a bit more bowel movements than usual.”
“You should also avoid orgasms if you can…”
Daddy laughed hard – something Johnny had not seen or heard for quite a while.
“Orgasms?! What does sex have to do with constipation, my friend?”
“Odd as it may sound, those two organs down there are connected in ways you can’t imagine. It is not by accident that they are so close to each other. You could also just be stressed. Stress does not help either.”
Orgasm? Constipation? Sex? Stress? All these words were strange to Johnny. What were these things? He pondered over them, as the adults summed up their discussion.
***
10.00 PM
Johnny was being tucked into bed by Mummy after the rather dramatic evening. Mummy said she thought maybe it was too soon for him to start eating fish with the bones like the rest of them, despite his protests. She kissed his affectionately and headed for the door.
“Mummy, is Daddy sick?” John asked after deciding it was only the right thing to do.
Mummy turned around, startled.
“Sick? Why do you think he is sick?”
“He was talking to the doctor and said something is wrong with him.”
“He said that?”
“Yes.The doctor said it is something called Constipation. And also Sex. And also Orgasm. What are those? Are they like malaria, Mummy? Is that why Daddy is not happy?”
Mummy was obviously overwhelmed, judging from the look on her face. She stood there for a minute, trying to find what to say and how to say it. Johnny innocent eyes eagerly looked back at her.
“I’ll tell you about it tomorrow,” she finally said. “I’ll tell you about it only if you get all my questions right tomorrow, okay?"
“Okay Mummy. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Mummy switched of the lights. Before she slept, she thought about the hardest math question for an eight year old boy.
