Lulu, my good friend, is in a rather precarious position.It al starts with a random night out with her girls who I will take the liberty of calling X and Y. The drinks are flowing and the DJ has outdone himself this time. . . In the wonderful chaos of it all, Lulu espys X making out with Y's new boyfriend, Souljaboi in one of those positions inspired by scenes from Basic Instinct.Lulu drowns the shock with a couple of shooters and decides to confront X during their bathroom time-out (I've never understood why women attack bathrooms in gangs as if there is a threat of a serial killer janitor looming). X is livid. "Don't blame me. .cant you see am f.ckn high?Its Souljaboi over there who cant get his blimey hands offa me!" is her reply.
Days later, the incident seems to have died a natural death without Y having to get wind of the infamous make out session.But naaah! X is back at it, hounding Souljaboi with renewed vigour behind Y's back. Lulu finds this outrageous. Only a few weeks ago she and X had come to the conclusion that Souljaboi was "an unlovable mutt with countable IQ points who truly doesnt deserve Y's time." Y, its understandable, has this unsatiable inclination towards men with a few more digits in their bank accounts despite the fact that some cannot pronounce a single English or Swahili word without peppering it with vernacular diction. And X, despite her supermodel looks and intelligence, having to stoop that low and settle for THAT is a bit disturbing.
The incident got into my interest and I did some sort of analysis of X and Y, thanks to the shrink genes my dear mother passed down to me and voila! What we have here is a series of unfortunate events that is becoming quite common. A classic case of two woman personality types about to lock horns.The Damsel in Distress finally gets acquainted with the Knight Snatcher. Allow me to illuminate:
THE KNIGHT SNATCHER
She is usually blessed with true extreme natural beauty and assets bigger than hip hop that makes her an instant femme fatale. By her late teen she is already used to the shameless stares of men and indeed boys, whose brains will be working overtine trying to solve her booty arithmetic.EVERYBODY is into her including some of her own gal pals and their boy/girlfriends who are constantly contemplating the risk of getting into her pants.
She is the true embodiment of inverted pride. She will never agree with a suggestion that she is overtly beautiful and is at pains to play down compliments of this nature. But wait until she gets slightly tipsy. A sista will shout her lungs dry from the rooftops and make it known to all and sundry that she is HOT and a by-product of the gods love making!
Her girls hesistate to introduce their men to her because most likely after a few drinks she will be making out with all of them. Her defence is always that of intoxication after which the burden of proof automatically shifts to the 'cheating' boyfriend who unfortunately will still be dazed by the Knight Snatcher's lucious lips to present a convincing defence. . .
Deep down, our girl is very confused. The stares and catcalls that she has been a victim of since she started to bloom tends to adversely affect her rather than mould her into the Alpha female she is supposed to be. She never seems to able to decide with who to enter into relationships. Her men are usually good looking with limited charm. Thus, she tends to use her pal as guinea pigs to narrow down her shortlist of eligible men and then uses her seductive prowess to lure the suitable candidate to her trap, ending in disaster and beef. . .
THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
There aint nothing much to say about this one.She thinks she is the hottest thing since Halle Berry while the rest of the world percieves her looks as quite bland and, in some cases, having escaped the average mark by a few hair follicles.Her tendency to be so-man dependent makes her choice of men quite predictable.
She would never date a guy without a car or at least a penchant for counting thousand-shilling bills in public.She excpects her man to be showering her with endless gifts and minute by minute praise. She may inwardly loath her man's looks and outlandish mannerisms but its the bulge of his pockets that keeps her hooked.
More often than not, she tends to fall for some sly types who have the skills of creating mirages of property and wealth only to discover they are fellow hustlers.It is such lessons and other lessons from Mother Nature (a bulging stomach and untracable phone numbers) that bring this lady to reality.But somehow, sooner or later, she tends to be drawn towards them Don Quixote types. . .
Ironical isnt it?
Fat Joe - Joseph Cartagena, better known by his stage name Fat Joe, is an American rapper signed to Imperial Records, CEO of Terror Squad Entertainment, and member...
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